December 2, 2010

A Twilight Virgin's (Super Funny) Guide to the Saga


Aw, remember the first time you found Twilight? You read the books without sleeping and watched the movie over and over?

*sigh*

Good times :)

Well, Gaby over at MovieFone has NEVER read or watched ANY of the Twilight saga... EV-VER!
This decision to avoid the series has been on purpose. My mother is a huge 'Twi-hard,' as fans of the books and movies call themselves; she even referred to her love of 'Twilight' in a speech she gave to 800 people at our synagogue this year.
My little sister, who hates reading like a vegan hates cheesecake, devoured the books and has a Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart poster on her door.
However...
The thing is, 'Twilight' is maddeningly intriguing. The fan base is so devoted and rabidthat it makes me wonder why. My mother is a smart, college-educated lawyer -- not some gullible, love-starved housewife or tween I'd assumed this series was written for. If she likes 'Twilight,' the series must have merit, right?

Hence, this project was born. I, Gaby Dunn, once a complete 'Twilight' virgin, am going to watch the three films in the franchise so far -- 'Twilight,' 'New Moon' and'Eclipse' -- in honor of the 'Eclipse' DVD release on December 4.
Now, before Gaby joins us on the dark side, she posted:
"10 thinks I think I know about Twilight"

1. There's a family of vampires.
They're all pretty and high-school aged. They somehow continue to repeat the same grade and never age but no one notices.

2. A new girl, Bella, moves to town.
She's also pretty, but she's really plain. Then, she meets Edward and they fall in love, but he's all, "We can't be together!" and she doesn't know why. He can also smell her blood. I think.

3. She figures out he's a vampire pretty easily.
And instead of running the other way, she is super into it.

4. Everyone's real pale.
I don't know if this is ever addressed, but in every still from the movies, it looks like the characters are being propped up 'Weekend at Bernie's'-style. Even the characters that aren't vampires are super-white. Is this like 'Lost'? Is the twist that they've all been dead the whole time?

5. There's a character named Jacob.
Oh my god, it is like 'Lost'! Only this Jacob is a werewolf or I guess, a shape-shifter if you want to get technical. He also loves Bella but then ends up being a pedophile. I'm not sure what plot point this is mocking, but I've heard people say it and I can't wait to find out.

6. Dakota Fanning is in it.
She's a bad guy with red eyes. Like a creepy 'Omen' child or something. I think maybe she leads the bad guys.

7. One redheaded actress got replaced with another.
Bryce Dallas Howard now plays some part that another girl used to play. I don't think it was an important role, though, since I don't know her character's name; but the switch was apparently controversial.

8. Edward does a lot of crazy stuff like take the engine out of Bella's car and make her jump off a cliff.
I think this is all in the name of love, for some insane reason.

9. Sex is a weird thing.
I think one or more characters were raped in the past. Bella really wants to sleep with Edward but he's afraid of hurting her. Like in every horror film ever, I'm guessing the slutty characters always die. I'm already running out of things I know.

10. Oh, wait! Can Bella read minds?
No, that's 'True Blood.' Um. But there's a part with mind-reading, right? Is it Edward that can read minds? Oh boy, looks like I know even less than I thought I did.
Now Gaby's watched the movie, what does she think? Go over to MovieFone to find out and stay posted for her reactions to New Moon aaannnd... Eclipse!

- Lorabell

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